ABOUT ME

Years ago, I wrote these words in my journal while documenting my recovery from my own eating disorder.

For years, I lived in agony obsessing over what, how much and when to eat. I was a "numbers junkie." I tracked every single thing I put into my mouth and every step/movement I took. For someone who isn't very keen on math, my entire life and relationship to food & body was one big math equation. I didn't like the number I saw on the scale and thought that if I could control every single aspect of my eating & exercise, I could also control my weight. I weighed myself constantly and lived each day for the number on the scale. That number meant more to me than anything else; even at the expense of my own relationships and health. I engaged in any and all behaviors that I deemed necessary to try and control the number I saw. Ironically, no number would ever be "enough." I knew I needed help. I knew I didn’t want to go on living like that but I genuinely didn’t know any other way to live. I was scared at the thought of recovery. Part of me was curious about it and wanted to stop doing what I was doing. Another part of me liked my eating disorder and didn't want to let go of it. I was frightened to find out what might lie ahead. What would recovery look like? What if recovery equaled weight gain? What if people looked at me differently? What would I spend my time doing?  What if I just couldn’t recover?

You may not believe that full recovery from an eating disorder is possible but I am here to tell you that it is. 
I never thought there would come a day where I would truly be able to eat and exercise freely without a constant "numbers war" being waged in my head. I would not have believed you if you told me that one day I would live a full and complete life, free from my eating disorder and the scale. But here I am.

I didn't choose to get an eating disorder but I chose to recover.

You didn't choose to get an eating disorder either, but every day that you choose to spend with your eating disorder by your side is another day you could spend making the choice to recover. Recovery is a choice. It takes time and commitment. Sometimes it's a hard battle but once you come out on the other side, you may be surprised and even relieved at what you'll find. Contrary to how you may feel right now, there is life beyond your eating disorder.

There is no "I" in recovery.
No one can do this alone. When I went through my own recovery process, eating disorder coaching did not exist. Thanks to some excellent therapists, sympathetic friends and loads of grit on my part, I did eventually recover. However, looking back on it now, I remember thinking that I wished I had additional support separate from my therapist and friends. I had never even met a recovered person let alone considered that I could be one; I had no recovered role model to turn to. I wanted someone who truly "got it" - someone who sincerely understood my behaviors, thoughts and fears - and who knew, through experience, what I was going through. That is why I decided to become an eating disorder coach; to be for you what I wished I had myself.

 

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